Thirteenth

For those of you who get mad at me when you ask "How are ya?" and I say "I'm alright". Okay, okay, I'm not alright. You have to understand though, this is just how I am now, this is my life, and compared to yesterday - yeah, I'm good. Compared to 4 years ago... well of course that's a whole 'nother story lol.

You say I should be giving more details? Well, you asked for it. Don't read any further if you don't want them - it's okay if you don't, frankly I'd rather not give them because I don't like to be this open about myself, but here goes.

Here's a nice pic of one of the funner side effects of this chemo.

I've got mouth sores all around the inside of my lips and cheeks, and on my tongue. Some of them bleed. Some of it is a response to this particular chemo (this family of drugs has a likelihood of mouth sores), and some is due to my immune system being on the fritz, and some is because chemo targets fast-growing cells like the ones that line your mouth, tongue, and digestive tract. You can see that all the chemo I've had has discolored my teeth, too. That happens from the inside out, so bleaching doesn't work, I'd have to get caps.
My finger and toenails are growing out though. They got all tender, bruised, oozing, and started to fall off like I had smashed each one with a hammer. Taxotere, that last drug I was on, causes that when you're on it long enough.

I'm not posting a pic of the one tumor that's right under my skin because it might be a little x-rated. It's right under my latest surgery scar and in among the "fuzzy triangle". I'm not real shy anymore though, so if you want to see it, I'll show it off. The tumor is about the size of a golfball or maybe a hard-boiled egg right now. The skin around it is discolored like a bruise and I get some sore stretch marks because of the fast growth. The whole area is pretty swollen because of the tumor and because of the damaged lymph nodes (poor circulation and drainage). It's swollen enough that one of my gay boyfriends says that I could wear a pair of boxerbriefs down to the bar one of these friday nights and win the "biggest junk" contest lol.

Let's see, what else. My feet and calves are swollen to about twice their normal size due to the lymphedema. They get pretty sore sometimes. The skin around my knees and ankles - you know how you can poke your finger hard into your skin and get a little bit of a divot that goes away within a few seconds? You can play with the skin around my leg joints like there's playdough under my skin. The divots don't go away for minutes and sometimes up to an hour.

I've lost all the fire-proofing in my mouth and stomach so I can't eat the spicy foods like I used to. Normal food regulary causes heartburn. That's due to the chemo killing the fast-growing cells along my digestive tract. I might have or get some ulcers. My guts are all messed up and I get to vistit the bathroom quite often. Sometimes with only a few seconds notice before it becomes really very urgent.

There's that feeling you get when you haven't eaten all day and kind of feel nauseous? That's generally a permanent thing with me these days. I can mostly ignore it because as you all know, I really do like my food. Sometimes the nausea gets bad enough I can't eat though, or sometimes I simply have no appetite for a while but forcing food down makes me nauseous. I randomly throw up - it doesn't happen often but it's really irritating because it doesn't seem to be in response to anything in particular - it's just random puking.

I'm still losing my muscles. I'm like, one of you mere mortals now. My energy is still low - I've been told that excercising more won't increase my stamina because I'm more or less running on reserves all the time these days.

My brain is kind of fuzzy. Especially short-term memory. It's hard to learn and remember new things. Kind of related is that I've lost some of my fine motor skills. Like beadwork is harder for me to do these days. Sometimes for a few days right after chemo, even typing on the keyboard goes pretty slow with lots of mistakes.

Wow, that's a lot of whining. See this is why I don't give details - I don't like whining and now some of you will give me that pity look because you don't know what to do. I'm still just me. Harass me as per usual.

You may ask why I put up with it. If this had all crashed down on me when I was first diagnosed, yeah, I would've just laid down and died. But it's been progressive over almost 4 years. It's like I said earlier, compared to yesterday, I'm okay. I put up with it at first in hopes of a cure, but these days, it's just how my life is. Do I still hope for a cure? Yes. And do miracles happen? Yes. But I can still find things that make sticking around rewarding, and I'm not giving up until I'm too sick to decide for myself whether or not I want to fight. Besides which, I owe too much to y'all for the help and encouragement you've given me - I hate being in debt, and maybe I can repay you some day if I don't give up.

So here's a picture of a bunny with a pancake on it's head.

Cheers

Twelfth

Howdy

I had the first treatment of this new drug, Doxil, last Thursday. So far I'm not impressed. I got into the habit of that weekly chemo, and fast side effects, so sitting around and waiting for this bomb to hit is making me crazy. They told me the biggest side effect they expected, given my history and long chemo run, is plummeting blood counts. I think they're right, since I've been getting more worn down everyday, and I'm cold a lot, which are usually good indicators that my red blood cells aren't rallying.

The suspension is pink. I sit there for two hours looking like I'm hooked up to a coolaid IV drip.

On the plus side, with the little break I had before starting this new drug, my hair and eyebrows have re-sprouted. Dark again. And not curly.

Since this treatment is only once a month, I guess I was expecting harsher side effects. I asked the doc about it, and he said treatment intervals generally had to do with the drug's half-life in the body. So in other words, the last chemo was weekly because my body used it up or broke it down within a few days. This chemo is monthly because the drug sticks around and works longer. Added up, the side effects shouldn't be more or less, better or worse, just longer coming and going.

The hunts were awesome even though I never got far from camp. My gun isn't quite finished, but was shootable so that's what I carried around while I saw not a single elk to shoot with it. My dad got an elk, but before his head gets too big over it, ask him about the tree he murdered, and about flinching.

/soapbox on
If you are against same-sex marriage, then don't get married to a gay person. It's really that simple. Please don't sign up for a phone list so you can call people in a whole different state to tell them God will drop the west coast into the ocean if two people who love each other want to have the legal responsibilities to go along with that love - it's just insulting to the people you know and love who may be queer. If you want to argue with me, bring it, I have reasonable answers to anything you can pelt me with, and have converted bigger homophobes than you.
/soapbox off

Cheers